On the lighter side

"Laughing may just be the greatest spiritual resource available to us, occupying as it does the wetlands between despair and insanity. In our laughing we give voice to the entire tragedy and joy of human survival in the warzone of life. Perhaps it is laughter which is the image of God within us."

Dear Lord,

I pray for:

Wisdom - to understand my man,
Love - to forgive him,
Patience - for his moods.

Because Lord, if I pray for:
Strength - I'll beat him to death.

Amen

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and
shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what
he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world,
it's called turpentine."

The Priest said, "No, my Boy, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy
Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it
on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."

The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub
it on a cat's ass, and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him. "God,
we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create
life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the
beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into
the likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the
soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?"

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older
priest to sit in on his sessions.

The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to
step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with
one hand."

The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like,
'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'"

The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says,
"Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What
happened next?'"

THE PREACHER AND THE DONKEY

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this
donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher).
The only way to make the donkey go, is to say "Hallelujah"; the way to make him
stop, is to say "Amen".

The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try
out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah", shouted the man. The donkey
began to trot. "Amen", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This
is great," said the man.

With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man
traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a
cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop", said the man. "Halt", he cried. The donkey just keep on going. "Oh
No!, Bible!, Church!, Please Stop", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot
faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally in
desperation, the man prayed, "Please Dear Lord. Please make the donkey stop
before I go off the edge of this mountain, in JESUS name, Amen."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man.

EVOLUTION EXPLAINED
-------------------

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher
was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked
a little boy:
TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there.
He doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time).
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school,
she must not have one!

"FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"


				*Reverend Mike's Biker Ministry* *On the lighter side*



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		On the lighter side..................... "Laughing may just be the greatest spiritual resource available to us, occupying as it does the wetlands between despair and insanity. In our laughing we give voice to the entire tragedy and joy of human survival in the warzone of life. Perhaps it is laughter which is the image of God within us." - Mike Riddell Prayer for Women......... Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom - to understand my man, Love - to forgive him, Patience - for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for: Strength - I'll beat him to death. Amen (Thanks Char....) A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine." The Priest said, "No, my Boy, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby." The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass, and he'll pass a Harley Davidson." God is sitting in heaven when a scientist prays to Him. "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning." "Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God. "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breath life into it, thus creating man." "Well, that's very interesting...show Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man. "No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt." (Thanks to the Mrs. for this one.....) A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke up, Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago." "Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?" "Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago." Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?" thanks to Mike (www.mygodshouse.com) for this one...... The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest says, "Cross you arms over your chest and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see,' 'yes,' 'go on,' 'I understand,' and 'how did you feel about that?'" The new priest says those things, trying them out. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than saying, 'Whoa... What happened next?'" THE PREACHER AND THE DONKEY A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say "Hallelujah"; the way to make him stop, is to say "Amen". The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions. "Hallelujah", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen", shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. "This is great," said the man. With a "Hallelujah", he rode off very proud of his new purchase. The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. "Stop", said the man. "Halt", he cried. The donkey just keep on going. "Oh No!, Bible!, Church!, Please Stop", shouted the man. The donkey began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally in desperation, the man prayed, "Please Dear Lord. Please make the donkey stop before I go off the edge of this mountain, in JESUS name, Amen." The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff. "Hallelujah!" shouted the man. EVOLUTION EXPLAINED ------------------- One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside? TOMMY: Yes. TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside? TOMMY: Yes. TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky. TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky. TEACHER: Did you see God? TOMMY: No. TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there. He doesn't exist. A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside? TOMMY: Yes. LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside? TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time). LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky? TOMMY: Yessssss LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher? TOMMY: Yes LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain? TOMMY: No LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school, she must not have one! "FOR WE WALK BY FAITH, NOT BY SIGHT"



		Sometimes we need to remember "The Rules of Life" 1. Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas. 2. You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape. 3. The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right." 4. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them. 5. When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm. 6. If he/she says that you are too good for him/her--believe them. 7. Never pass up an opportunity to pee. 8. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance! 9. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you. 10. Work is good, but it's not that important. 11. And finally... Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan. One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him." I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. --- Galileo Galilei



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